The Language We Were Never Taught to Speak

Manahil Bandukwala

By Grace Lau 

Guernica Editions

81 pages

$20.00 

Grace Lau’s debut poetry collection, The Language We Were Never Taught to Speak is a love letter to the narrator’s younger self. Throughout the book, learning the language of care is embedded in the literal act of learning a second language as immigrant children. 

The collection’s queer protagonist expresses a desire that feels both deeply personal and widely universal. Lau’s poetic language is warm and inviting towards readers in direct contrast to the book’s titular unspeakable language that eludes the narrator throughout. 

“Letter to Longing” uses soft language to achingly present the way we hold all longings within us: for home, for lovers, for resistance, for care. Lau writes how “Tonight we love each other / in a language in danger of being eaten.” This is an example of many tender ways in which Lau offers a reciprocity to love and longing. Desire fluctuates and is never absolute as Lau taps into the breadth of experiences with family, lovers, and negotiations with God and spirituality. 

Negative familial reactions to queerness means that expressions of love are always tinged with grief. “In Chinese, sadness is a wounded heart,” Lau writes in the poem “My Grief is a Winter.” All meditations of love hold the underlying inevitability of leaving. 

Across many poems, the speaker’s personal relationship to spirituality and God is brimming with queer love. “They Tell Me God Lives” reads, “if God is love, / then I know I have seen Him / in your eyes and I am saved,” contrasting with homophobia from family that occurs in other poems. 

This is a collection to take in slowly in order to fully experience the observational aspects of the poems. Some of the most evocative moments occur within spaces of stillness. In “At Your Best,” Lau writes:

I can’t remember 

when I gave the sun 

back his hours but now 

I am at peace with the world and its 

unloveliness. Yes, 

I think I would be happy 

doing this 

every night of my life. 

For me as a reader, there’s resonation in both the need and the difficulty of relinquishing control to access some semblance of peace. “At Your Best” is a best-case scenario that will never be permanent. 

However, as is Lau’s strength throughout the collection, there is a possibility within moments. Grounding immigrant experiences in specific places in Toronto and referencing pop culture unique to the author’s interests infuses a new delight in diaspora narratives. Amidst ache and longing there is joy and humour. The interweaving of these emotions gives a fuller picture of the ups and downs of second-generation immigrant experiences. To paraphrase one of Lau’s lines: We’re all just trying our best. 

          —Manahil Bandukwala 

 

Manahil Bandukwala (she/her) is a Pakistani writer and artist. Her most recent project, Reth aur Reghistan, is an exploration of Pakistani folklore interpreted through poetry and sculpture. See her recent work in The Malahat Review, CV2, Briarpatch, Augur, and other places. She is a member of VII, an Ottawa-based collaborative writing collective. 

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Cover of Audacity, featuring artwork "Guts" by Gaby D'Alessandro (a split torso with guts spilling out in muted browns, greens, and reds)

ROOM 45.3 AUDACITY
Edited by Molly Cross-Blanchard
Assistant Edited by Karmella Cen Benedito De Barros
Shadow edited by Ellen Chang-Richardson and Michelle Ha

In This Issue: Gwen Aube, Georgina Berbari, Brandi Bird, Alex Maeve Campbell, Karmella Cen Benedito De Barros, Ellen Chang-Richardson, Megan Cole, Molly Cross-Blanchard, Kayla Czaga, Gaby D’Alessandro, Petranella Daviel, Kate Finegan, Marlowe Granados, Hannah Green, Michelle Ha, Kendra Heinz, Eileen Mary Holowka, Barbara Hranilovich, nic lachance, Isabella Laird, Angélique Lalonde, Elene Lam, Khando Langri, Tin Lorica, Merkat, Mridula Morgan, Em Norton, Moses Ojo, Sandy Pool, Maezy Reign, Josephine Sarvaas, Sarah Totton, Preeti Vangani, Christine Wu, Lucy Zi Wei Fang, Eugenia Zuroski

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